faded Intentions

"It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses." ~Colette



I had fully intended to keep this blog updated as a reminder of how far we've come, a memorial of sorts. A way to keep memories alive, an outlet for grief, a timeline to help Ty & B one day understand and as a token of my appreciation for all the family and friends that surrounded Adele with love & support.

But as I sat down to type one afternoon I realized how much I dislike this blog. The reasons for starting it, the contents of it's pages and the overwhelming amount of emotions that poured out over the longest yet shortest three months of our life's.

So I apologize for not keeping up to date on this. But as I'm sure anyone who is reading this already knows some days there just aren't any words or thoughts to share.

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. 
~Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan, Annie

Now what

There are many moments when my heart feels heavy and my thoughts just circle around the words "now what?"  Now what am I suppose to do, to say, to wear, to act, to cook...now what?  I have no clue but every morning I try to fill the "now what" with life and smiles because I know that's what I have to do and it's what she would have done.

Here are some of our "now what" moments of the past month... 

Trying to master the "mickey mouse" pancake

Jakob's 5th Birthday

Bella saving my photo moment when the boys ran away

Easter 2011

Burdicks Tavern...new paint, clean air and a STRONG yet kind reminder there is NO SMOKING!

fun for all ages

Out of school early for some Chuck E Cheese time!

Mother's Day 2011 - Breakfast in bed

Messages postmarked to heaven





8 years ago Mother's day was on Sunday-May 11, 2003...it was a beautiful day, it was our wedding day and it was perfect.  Every anniversary Adele would bring over flowers along with a thoughtful card.  She was the only women in my life who knew what it was like being married to a Burdick...it was our own exclusive club ;) 

Sunday, May 11, 2003

 

"The rolling stream of life rolls on.
But still the vacant chair
Recalls the love, the voice, the smile
Of the one who once sat there".

"X"

Visiting the cemetery has become a weekly trip for the boys and I.  And surprisingly we all seem to enjoy our time there.  Walking around looking at all the headstones seems to spark conversation that we probably would not have had otherwise.  And of course the occasional game of hide and go seek makes the trip even more memorable.

Just a few days ago the boys gave me another memorable moment that I thought you might all enjoy...
 
Me     "Look boy's someone moved the old flowers from Grandma's grave."

Tyson "Oh no, now we don't know which one is Grandma.  We lost Grandma!"

Me     (laughing) "No Ty, her gave is still right there."

Tyson  "Oh, phew.  That was a close one."

The boys then went up to Adele's grave with some gifts and as always told her they loved her and blew her kisses.

 The wind was beginning to pick up so Tyson and Bryce ran back to the car while I took one last photo.

As I began to turn around and head back to the car, Bryce came running back yelling.

Bryce  "Wait, wait I have more kisses for Grandma."

After he blew a few more additional kisses he walked right in the middle of the grave and stomped his foot down twice as hard as he could. 

Me    (a little shocked)"Bryce why did you just step on Grandma's grave?"

Bryce  "I made an X with my foot so we won't lose her again."

Me       "Bryce, I promise we will never lose Grandma.  Remember I told you the cemetery is just where we come to visit Grandma's body, her spirit doesn't live here.  Grandma's spirit is alive and always with us."

Bryce   "Of course I know that.  I just don't want to lose her so I make an X and tomorrow we will know right where she is.  But maybe we can get a big rock like that (points to a neighboring headstone) with Grandma's name on it.  Then we will never lose her."

Me     "Great idea B, I'll look into that!"


The next day Bryce upgraded the stomped X with an engraved X in the dirt thanks to a near by stick.

"Gone yet not forgotten, although we are apart, your spirit lives within me, forever in my heart."

pieces

Two weeks ago today Adele found peace and we all fell to pieces.  The last fourteen days have been some of the most difficult and yet beautiful days of our lives.

Adele's calling hours took place on Monday, April 18, 2011 from 4:00 - 7:00 pm.  Friends and family began to arrive by 3:30 and continued to visit until well after 7:00.  We were all overwhelmed by the amount of visitors that stood in line to say their final farewells.  People came in from all over NY as well as other states.  Some drove hours, others had to fly but everyone came together because Adele had touched their hearts in one way or another.

The flowers at the calling hours took my breath away.  They were all stunning and I know Adele loved them.

"To be overcome by the fragrance of flowers is a delectable form of defeat." 

~Beverly Nichols

Will go on

Some have asked if the blog will continue and my answer is yes. Adele is very much still a part of our life's and always will be.  The updates will not be as regular as they once were but there is still much to be said.

As our family struggles to find peace with the loss of Adele we would just like to thank everyone again for all of the food, flowers, cards, donations, and kindness that you have bestowed upon us. 

It's very rare that I am speechless but here I sit at a complete loss of words.  So I'll try again later.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

Love is stronger than death

Thank you to everyone for all of your love and support.  We apologize but at this time there are just no words...only sweet memories and the comfort of great friends and family. 

Information for the calling hours and funeral can be found in the link below.


http://ballweg-lunsford.com/obituary_view/10017601



I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -- myth is more potent than history -- dreams are more powerful than facts -- hope always triumphs over experience -- laughter is the cure for grief -- love is stronger than death.
~Robert Fulghum~

peace

In the warm embrace of her family Adele peacefully passed away on Thursday, April 14, 2011 at 12:15am.

Her body was just too tired and needed a well deserved rest.  But her heart and soul live strong in us all and that is something cancer can never touch.

Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow,
May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow.
~Author Unknown

With her

Last night Adele's right lung collapsed due to the enormous amount of pressure from the tumor.  She is on 100% oxygen from the ventilator and the doctors have her under sedation for comfort. 

Today is a day for her family to be with her.

Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death. - Author Unknown

bluntness

Forgive the bluntness of this e-mail. 
Something's in life just suck, there is no other polite way to say it.  This is one of those things. 

Life, everyone's life has a beginning and an end.  That's just a fact.  But if we are lucky there is also a really great middle filled with countless smiles, laughs, tears and anything else you decide to squeeze in.  Adele's beginning was sweet, the middle was lived to the fullest and the end will be because of stage four lung cancer. 

No matter how "normal" her blood counts get, or how low her dependency becomes on the breathing tube she still has a very large tumor that is not going away.  There may come a time when the doctors advice will be to do no more....no more chemo, no more blood pressure medicine, no more breathing tube.  This is just the reality of the situation and it wouldn't be right not to share the good as well as the bad.


When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.  ~Kahlil Gibran

Spa Day

If you happen to visit Adele and find yourself wondering why she looks so pretty it's because we had a "spa day" today!  A little hair wash, manicure ( a little too short for her taste but they look great) and some wonderful hand and foot massages.  Also, if you happen to notice a few more stray hairs on her pillow than usual that's okay.  Hair loss was a symptom the doctor told us about when she started chemo. 

With all things considered today was another good day.  Adele's oxygen is at 50 with her oxygen saturation at 96%.  She will be having some testing done tomorrow so if you are planning a visit she might be out of the room during the morning/ afternoon hours.

We wanted to share a portion of an e-mail received by Lisa Kurtz (One of Adele's loving nieces).  It brought a smile to our faces, hopefully it will do the same for you...

"Okay last night when I was with aunt deedee, her night nurse came in and introduced herself to me and she was so nice. She talked to aunt adele not in a 3rd party, she told her it was nice to see her more alert and what day it was and how she sort of slept thru the last few days, and asked her if she was in pain. Then she said I love to look at pictures, and then she stopped in her tracks and said oh is this adele doing a "oh boy" yup shot. I said yes. She said this is a fun aunt, I said you have no idea!"

" When I got there Sheri Bistrovich was there visiting her and patsy had just left.. Jimmy Daly and Ruthann came in also.  The nurse said holy cow do you have a big family or is she a politician. I said she could be the mayor of Nedrow and she does have a huge family that loves her so much."


“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”

Sun...Fun...OXYGEN

The sun brought with it a breath of fresh air, literally!  Although Adele was very tired and not as alert as she has been, her oxygen levels were much better today and the doctors were once again pleased with what they saw.


"Know the true value of time; snatch, seize, and enjoy every moment of it. No idleness, no delay, no procrastination; never put off till tomorrow what you can do today."-- EARL OF CHESTERFIELD

 

Wishing

Today was another day full of visitors and we are pretty sure Adele is loving all the attention!  She was more alert and responsive which gives us many reasons to be hopeful for the days ahead. 

Once again the doctors were pleased with her blood counts.  And we love having nothing more to say on this post...no news is good news!

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend filled with good friends, warm weather and beautiful pictures to capture each moment.  You can never take too many pictures, you just never know how meaningful they are until you can't take anymore. 

Grandma and Tyson

    Adele becomes a Grandma!  November 15, 2003

Adele becomes a Grandma again!  October 24, 2005

Sexy Mama ;)

Thanksgiving 2005

The most important thing in illness is never to lose heart.
Nikolai Lenin